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Trigemenus Neuralgia (TN) = Face pain - Aangezichtspijn (Dutch)

FOR MADELEINE’S FATHER who in his nineties has been confronted with attacks in his jaw.

It was at the first day of the potato harvest always a stressful affair on a Friday afternoon September1990, sitting on a tractor to cut the foliage off, that I experienced the first real severe attack. It was terrible and shocking.

I knew nobody and nothing about this, but from my memory came up having read in a book that someone had been tortured by face pain (Getergd door aangezichtspijn). I realized this must be that. Also continuing meanwhile tractoring I got a feeling about the spiritual cause/background of it: I should show my real face.

For some years I already was aware that most diseases and other happenings could have spiritual causes. For example gastric ulcer is commonly known for being linked to stress.

In hindsight I had received some physical warnings?during the year before; under the shower, washing my face I felt electricity at my left cheek sometimes and thought it had to do with electrostatics connected to the water flow of the shower. I avoided rubbing/washing the left side of my face and shaving since . . .

The next morning I had another attack and nearly fainted. Not knowing what would follow and if I would be able to continue working, I had to inform my farm helpers and colleague about what happened.

As this started15 years ago I don?t remember exactly how it continued but will try my best to describe it.

Before I continue I should mention that in the August before it started I had attended the wedding in Australia of my second daughter, where I also had been confronted with her pregnancy and had to deal with the prospect that I would not be able to witness the growing up of my first grand-child. So my feeling was that stress played a role in starting the TN really off.

After these first 2 attacks it was calm again for 6 days which gave some hope, but then a 3rd attack happened. It was unbearable.

I have never been suicidal before, but can very well understand that people, especially in the beginning, think about it. On the way however one begins to realize that the attacks in the beginning are experienced as life threatening and damaging one's head, which is not the case. Sometimes it feels as if a hot knife is set in our face or in the eye, but as every attack stops, after it there is nothing left, no pain and no damage, only one’s mental shock and fear for a next attack. So my experience is that I have to deal mainly with my mental problem. Sometimes I can’t really eat, or speak, or be outside because of the wind triggering pain, but it’s all temporary, and I can do without food for some days, and drink via a straw. It can be annoying, but I can do without talking for a while. Most part of the year I can do what I want, but sometimes I am limited.

As the harvest was in, I had some time to go to the JP. I told him that my feeling was that I had to find a spiritual solution for it and he wished me good luck, knowing that not much else was really available to do about it.

I phoned with a friend who studied classic homeopathy, who advised to keep my face warm (so for some days I walked around with a thermos flask with hot water and a cloth. (Later on while skating in winter in sub zero temperature the TN was nicely calm!)

Having no success with keeping it warm I went on an expedition to as many healers of different alternative kinds I could find. With no real result.

The aspect of showing my real face- I gave attention too of course. All possible measures to stop these terrible painful attacks should be tried out. The problem here I faced was the Question What is my real face?

Through the now 15 years I struggled on with not much satisfaction.

Since my first wife Elly past away (7 years before my TN started) and had helped me to become aware of the spiritual dimensions of the world, and through the years I gave this more and more attention. The latest result of my development on this level one can read in the booklet I wrote in cooperation with my present wife Sandy: Mapping the Cosmos, A introduction to God.

But still I did not really understand why I had this TN. The last 2 years I think I learned better to deal with the attacks. Reading somewhere: How to endure pain best is to allow it to be painful? supported this.

During the first years during heavy attacks I often hit the left side of my face with my fist, to try to kick it out or kill it, but that had only a negative effect, or at least the TN ignored that. So my experience became: try to relax and sit it out. . . . , the attack will stop.

Constant fear for attacks was always there when I could not eat well or speak or clean my teeth because this was painfull and the threat of attacks were felt with it.

Several years the areas affected changed and this change followed an unpredictable pattern: a period of attacks started mostly in December and slowly died out in Spring; often it stayed calm for half a year, but one could never be sure about that.

In between it is as if a little insect (a Swiss lady called it my dragon?) is sitting on a nerve firing its energy now and then there and meanwhile very very slowly moving along this nerve to another place (last year my eye sight got so blurred both sides by it, that I thought I was getting blind), and so one can never foresee where the next tricky area (in conenction to touching, laughing, eating etc.) will be, while sometimes this little dragon seems to be asleep.

After years I made several little discoveries which helped me to deal wit my face pain. The most important discovery is, that the greatest help has been that I accept that I got TN.

It was the experience of having a stroke that made me aware that most of the pain had been caused by the fact that I had not accepted the fact that I had TN; It did not fit with my identity/decorum. I have written about this insight I got in some nights when paralyzed in a hospital bed:

Click here to go to a text in which face pain is brought into a broader context of suffering etc.

So, how to conclude?

'It is not that we have to love God, But to realize in our hearts God who is love.' (Dada Maharaj)

At this very moment, writing down one of my favourite quotes I realize that I have come closer to the answer on my question what is my real face.

I know that my real face is not this top part of my body which is visable with normal human eyes, it’s not the face of a straight forward Dutch farmer, not the face of a romantic pianist, not the face of a caring house holder, or whatever other image I too like: my real face is LOVE.

Dear friend, I wish you all the courage, strength and inspiration you need.

With friendly greetings and love,

Jael Bharat

Oxford 30-06-2006

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