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LAST DAYS

An early and incomplete reflection

Monday 27th November 2006: We were visiting friends, enjoying a lovely evening in their home. Jael always liked to be at their place and we were having supper there, with three special friends, when he suffered a second and devastating stroke. I turned to look at him and saw it all over his face. He sat there still, with such composure and calm, aware, unafraid yet physically overcome by the bleeding in his brain. How dignified he was. It was so impressive. I asked him if he was in pain and he indicated no. We had a few precious minutes to express our love for one another, share a kiss, and then move him gently to the floor before he became unconscious.

Blessing No 1: Being with friends meant they organised the ambulance and Jael and I could be together while he was still conscious. Alone, we would have missed that. They also helped us in the hospital and, with others, were a tower of strength and support through the next days.

The ambulance arrived swiftly and took us to the hospital. I told the doctor that Jael did not want intervention if he could not be saved. The doctor asked if we had that in writing. Yes, we did, and two friends drove to our house to secure the document. By the time they returned to the hospital the doctor had already realised nothing could be done.

Blessing No 2: The hospital staff were wonderful. By morning we were in a side room with all the privacy we needed. No staff interfered unless requested to clean him and ensure he did not become dehydrated. They showed him the utmost respect and care and we - family, friends and myself - were able to be with him in our own room It meant I could stay there the whole time without leaving and I did.

Tuesday was a day when Jael's children arrived from Holland. It was a day of distress watching him struggle with his breathing. It was too much for the grandchildren, to see him like that and to see the adults around him so upset. I was so angry with God. Why was he kept alive like this and not released?

Blessing No 3: On Wednesday I understood the blessing of this time with him. Interfaith came to the hospital this day: friends arrived with Hindu Sanskrit chants, Japanese Buddhist chants, Christian prayer, and Muslim prayers. Sikh friends from whom we'd been estranged sent a card and I was able to read it to Jael, bringing healing. Prince Charles sent a letter about our book, Touched by Truth which I was able to share with Jael (He had asked me to send the Prince a copy). The doctors say he could hear nothing, being in a coma, but his children, friends and I know different. In some capacity Jael heard and realised and was present. We were all helped by this time together and this sharing.

That night, around midnight, when everyone had left the room and Jael and I were alone again, I suddenly heard his rasping breath changed into my name, repeated over and over again. At first I thought I imagined it, then felt a little un-nerved when it did not stop. The sound had something of his voice in it, it was more than just breath. Finally I realised and told him how clever he was, how practical, in that he had used the only facility available to that body - the breath - to give me a messag: he was with me, he knew I was there with him, and he was more than that body lying there. He had always said he would try to give me a message and this was the only way, at that time, that I could receive it.

Blessing No 4: As soon as I told him that I had heard it, that I believed it, that I thanked him for it, his breath became quiet, no more breathing hard from the throat. Still a quick breathing but soft. It remained like this through the night until he passed away at 6am. The day was Thursday 30th November.

Hospital staff left us alone with Jael in the room for another three and a half hours before his body was taken from the ward. We went with it, having already organised for the funeral directors to come and collect it so that he did not have to stay in the hospital morgue. When his body had been laid out at the funeral parlour, Jael's son, one of his daughters and I went in to see him again. There we had our biggest blessing.

Blessing No 5: The first thing we noticed was that Jael was covered with a magnificent velvet cloth in his two favourite colours of royal blue and vivid saffron. How regal he looked! And then we saw his face. What bliss covered it. A sublime smile filled it. He looked as if he had arrived at the place where all his beliefs were realised, where he was released into the Great Oneness which he had sought and loved so long. How it moved us and we will never forget it. How wonderful for our beloved Jael. When we saw him the next day, this was gone, he had left, he was no longer there, in or near that form so dear to us during his lifetime.

After visiting him we were alerted to the fact that the place we had originally chosen for a woodland burial had become more of a helicopter landing pad than a resting place and we were able to arrange for him to be in another cemetery. We went there and it was beautiful. When we saw his neighbour described as 'Communist, naturalist, and free thinker,' we knew Jael was coming to the right spot! We had requested a birch tree but were told at first this was not possible. I asked again and said how much it would mean - Jael felt symbolised by the birch: very tall, very thin, very pale and with its skin peeling off! Ok, we could have one.

The funeral took place at 10am on Tuesday 5th December. We spent half an hour in the unconsecrated chapel, having set up our own little table, behind the bamboo casket, decorated with an indian cloth, incense, Jael's logo that he had made of intertwined hands spreading out in a spiral, a framed Om, and candles. Forty two friends attended, Jael's son gave a moving eulogy (see link below to read it), and five other friends shared their personal memories of Jael. I read the final verse from Jael's favourite book, the Ashtavakra Gita from which he always read to me every morning before we got up. Then we followed the casket round to the woodland area and as it was lowered into his grave, a friend offered up Sanskrit chants. People had been invited to bring a bulb that would be planted around the tree and grave. Everyone was then invited back to the home of those same friends we had been with just over a week before and home made vegetable soup (Jael's speciality) and chocolate cake (his addiction) were provided. In the afternoon, some of us returned to the cemetery. We saw that the grave had been filled, the silver birch tree planted and we were able to plant some bulbs ourselves.

Blessing No 6: What love filled the chapel, what love followed the casket to the grave, what love enjoyed and provided the soup and cake. How blessed we all were with that love that flowed to Jael and the support it gave to his children and to me. Messages came from all around the world, from Muslim and Hindu, Sikh and Buddhist, Shinto and Jew, Unitarian and Bahai, Christian and humanist. Chants and pujas and prayers and meditations took place all over the place.Trees, plants, flowers and bulbs were and are being planted in gardens, ashrams, centres and homes across the globe in memory of Jael. Thank you, all of you.

Thank you too Jael for the years of love and work we shared, for your friendship and cosy company. How blessed we were. How very special that before you passed away you solved your great question, your koan (as you realised it was just the week before you moved on).

Blessing No 7: Jael suffered from trigelmenus neuralgia, and when he had his first attack, many years ago (more than 12), he searched for the spiritual meaning behind it. He had the feeling that he had to show his real face, his true face, but he didn't know what that was. After his first stroke in May this year, whilst still in hospital, he had a blissful realisation that his true face was love. During the last seven months of this incarnation he lived more and more fully in this understanding and knew the peace and freedom that comes from that.

What did Jael mean to me? As I wrote telling people of his passing, he was the best of husbands, the best of friends, a beautiful and special person, and my beloved. We were always together and as close as two people could be. It was so cosy and mutual. But we had to learn to be like that too. Although there was a 'familiarity' from the moment we met in Korea, we had our struggles too and one of the greatest gifts Jael gave me was the skill to talk about and share every thought and feeling. How liberating! When we met I was someone who kept everything close to my chest. I could not talk about difficult things. He insisted I did so we had some challenging moments! Days could pass when we did not speak (and in a small flat like ours that was not a comfortable option!) He would wait until I could tell him what stood between us and as I did not then know how to do that, it took time. I had to learn and although it made me squirm a lot, I am so grateful he made this possible. As many people mentioned in writing or talking about him, Jael's approach was always probing. He never liked to leave exchanges on the surface. It was not that he was nosy, though always deeply interested in people, but he probed because he believed that recognising and accepting all the truths inside us made us free and that freedom brought peace and deepened relationships. Some could not handle his approach. Some handled it their own way and kept their 'safe' places! Others came to respect what he did and why when they realised it came from his love for them. After his first stroke, he came to realise more that love could be softer as well as 'tough' and he became increasingly silent and accepting when others wanted to remain inside themselves.

What am I still learning from Jael? Many things no doubt and time will reveal them more and more. One aspect though is already strong - his courage. He had such faith, he could deal with everything with equanimity, at least in recent years. When physical challenges came to him he embraced them with the optimum courage and the minimum resistance. He was so impressive. Now that I face the possibility of oral cancer he becomes my model of courage.* I hope I shall develop, whenever needed, the faith and dignity with which he accepted and endured what came his way. It was strange, we had been preparing for my possible passing away, if the prognosis demands it, and yet he is the one who has already left this world. Our favourite joke was 'How do you make God laugh?' Answer: 'Tell her your plans.' How often we heard her chuckle!

As the Ashtavakra Gita concludes: 'Where is existence? Where is non-existence? Where is unity? Where is duality? What need is there to say more? Nothing emanates from me.'

Read the eulogy given at Jael's funeral by his son.

* I've since been told it's not cancer.